The Wannabi Clan (humor)

Top Ten Ways to tell if you are from the Wannabi (want to be) Clan
By Dr. Coyote (borrowed and adapted from an earlier posting)

10. You were born white but just realized that there was a possibility that you are native, you just don't know what tribe, and so you joined AIM or you know you are native because of your cheekbones or feel it in your soul.  And dang I just enjoy buffalo burgers or jerky so I must be….

9. You think Russell Means is a god, and he can do no wrong, or support Leonard even though you are not quite sure if he is innocent or guilty or what exactly the particulars are of that case?

8. You think Fry Bread is traditional food and smoking a cigarette or using commercial tobacco outside your tipi/tent counts as a prayer.

7. Protesting for Indian rights (doesn't matter what tribe) means a sit in or holding a sign while trying to wear your new ribbon shirt you bought from the white guy at the local "trading post".  Well only if it fits in your schedule and you happen to be in the area (within a 10 minute drive and there is free parking)

6. You go to the local Indian bar and buy the ndns drinks cuz you want to talk about their customs and "culture” and sing pow wow songs like the old times and just hang with the skins, but cant stand the idea of a warm tall bud at 10 AM on the side of the road after sawing up firewood or being up all night hunting or fishing

5. You try to date an ndn girl but you decide she's too round and rugged for your tastes (and her name wasn’t Running Deer) and her hair wasn’t jet black anyway and it was short so you decide to date the hippie wannabes with the hemp jewelry and long hair instead, plus she has a dog that is part wolf and your think you are wolf clan ennit. 

4. You get the pre-requisite tribal tattoo placed where everyone can  see it, so they can ask you what tribe you are, but no one ever  does OR your car is carefully calculated to look “NDN” (i.e. dream catchers or safety pin headdresses on the mirror or bumper stickers bought from a vendor at a pow wow) OR the more tacky beadwork the better and  you wear your hair long for no particular reason and braid it because it looks cool, and hey doesn’t the smell of burning sage in your clothes make you smell Indian?

3. You find your beadwork for your regalia in a pawnshop and  proudly wear it at every powwow not knowing that everyone who is a  serious powwow person knows where you got it from and you've only been to contest powwows and no traditional powwows  because they don't run them on time and every one shows up late.  (ndn time) Besides going to every Pow Wow in every small town is what it really means to be on the red road right?  Traditional ceremony, isn’t that a pow wow?

2. You had a vision or sweat and found out you were Indian all along but just separated from the people and need to reconnect with the blood…What live on a reservation(or urban relocation area)  with no electricity and get paid $9 an hour if you can find a job , commodity cheese what is that?  Get all my health care from the IHS Clinic????

And the Number 1 way to tell if you are from the Wannabi (want to be) Clan DRUMROLL…

1. You use phrases like ennit and NDN cause you are a true skin and you are easily offended and whine about this post because while some of it is true about others….HEY, who in the hell does that Dr. Coyote thinks he is judging me as a Native if he ain’t walked in my moccasins… 

(just laugh!)

Wannabi Clan? (humor)

Top Ten Ways to tell if you are from the Wannabi (want to be) Clan
By Dr. Coyote (borrowed and adapted from an earlier posting)

10. You were born white but just realized that there was a possibility that you are native, you just don't know what tribe, and so you joined AIM or you know you are native because of your cheekbones or feel it in your soul.  And dang I just enjoy buffalo burgers or jerky so I must be….

9. You think Russell Means is a god, and he can do no wrong, or support Leonard even though you are not quite sure if he is innocent or guilty or what exactly the particulars are of that case?

8. You think Fry Bread is traditional food and smoking a cigarette or using commercial tobacco outside your tipi/tent counts as a prayer.

7. Protesting for Indian rights (doesn't matter what tribe) means a sit in or holding a sign while trying to wear your new ribbon shirt you bought from the white guy at the local "trading post".  Well only if it fits in your schedule and you happen to be in the area (within a 10 minute drive and there is free parking)

6. You go to the local Indian bar and buy the ndns drinks cuz you want to talk about their customs and "culture” and sing pow wow songs like the old times and just hang with the skins, but cant stand the idea of a warm tall bud at 10 AM on the side of the road after sawing up firewood or being up all night hunting or fishing

5. You try to date an ndn girl but you decide she's too round and rugged for your tastes (and her name wasn’t Running Deer) and her hair wasn’t jet black anyway and it was short so you decide to date the hippie wannabes with the hemp jewelry and long hair instead, plus she has a dog that is part wolf and your think you are wolf clan ennit. 

4. You get the pre-requisite tribal tattoo placed where everyone can  see it, so they can ask you what tribe you are, but no one ever  does OR your car is carefully calculated to look “NDN” (i.e. dream catchers or safety pin headdresses on the mirror or bumper stickers bought from a vendor at a pow wow) OR the more tacky beadwork the better and  you wear your hair long for no particular reason and braid it because it looks cool, and hey doesn’t the smell of burning sage in your clothes make you smell Indian?

3. You find your beadwork for your regalia in a pawnshop and  proudly wear it at every powwow not knowing that everyone who is a  serious powwow person knows where you got it from and you've only been to contest powwows and no traditional powwows  because they don't run them on time and every one shows up late.  (ndn time) Besides going to every Pow Wow in every small town is what it really means to be on the red road right?  Traditional ceremony, isn’t that a pow wow?

2. You had a vision or sweat and found out you were Indian all along but just separated from the people and need to reconnect with the blood…What live on a reservation(or urban relocation area)  with no electricity and get paid $9 an hour if you can find a job , commodity cheese what is that?  Get all my health care from the IHS Clinic????

And the Number 1 way to tell if you are from the Wannabi (want to be) Clan DRUMROLL…

1. You use phrases like ennit and NDN cause you are a true skin and you are easily offended and whine about this post because while some of it is true about others….HEY, who in the hell does that Dr. Coyote thinks he is judging me as a Native if he ain’t walked in my moccasins… 

(just laugh!)

Chili Contest (humor)

Notes From An Inexperienced non-Native Chili Taster Name FRANK, who was visiting a Reservation: 

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Native American chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (American Indians) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Muscogee Creek Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy smokes, what the fuck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

Chili # 2: Osage Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Shit! Keep this away from the children! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Chili # 3: Karuk Kaos Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Draino. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili # 4: Shoshone Tasty beans JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills to save me the run.

Chili # 5: Lumbee Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can't focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Viejas Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No-one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili # 7: Santee Sioux Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Very Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Thank God! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. Have decided to stop breathing, too painful, not getting any oxygen anyway.

Chili # 8: Nipmuc Nerve Killer Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. FRANK: ------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report) 

Native Weddings (humor)

How To Know You Are At A Native Wedding Reception

nobody has invitations…..only hand-drawn maps

an average of 12 people attend per invitation

 no one goes to the wedding, but everyone goes to the reception

 the bride's kids are the flower girls and the ring-bearer

 the reception is at night and you wonder how non-natives have weddings during the day

 everyone has their own pepsi, dr pepper and coke

 all the centerpieces are gone

 everyone's kids are running around crazy and all you want to do is throw a bottle at them

 the men dress in zoot suits…and the bride is dressed in pink

 the food menu has chile stew, fry bread and beans (don't forget the potato salad)

 people are taking foil-covered food plates home

 people are taking huge pieces of cake home

 one relative is drunk and hugging everyone telling them "i love you very much"

 the dollar dance lasts over an hour

 there are seven bridesmaids

 the cake was made by daughter,, the cake lady and not the bakery

 the aunties and grandmas dance together

 you have to clean up the community building before you leave

 the wedding reception ends at 6:00 am the next day at the bride's house

a fight breaks out